Passing Through

Issue #3

There's another reality where I did go

the yellowing of motivation and capacity

I love to end a letter with a cryptic message to keep you guessing, and honestly keep me guessing, what's gonna happen next? When I ask "do I have what it takes", I mean can I be consistent enough to follow through with what I've been dreaming about on and off in various iterations for 15ish years. Do I want it enough to show up day in and out even when I don't want to? Many days I do the bare minimum, doing what I need to do to for my job, but there is no time or energy left for focusing on the other stuff.

I had a pretty good couple weeks, I was getting more clients, finding people to connect with locally, actually going to events, meeting new people and becoming more of myself in public.

But it all caught up to me. I signed up for a a weekend retreat at a summer camp with bonfires, crafts, kayaking, s'mores, hanging out reading or playing games. I was so excited to connect with people and make things together, but I been procrastinating packing. I had mostly everything packed, I just needed to check the list the list and head to the store for last minute snacks and drinks.

I had been dealing with a crisis of sorts in my work. Everyday I would talk myself down that everything would be okay, I just need to be confident and trust my intuition, stand firm in my own knowing. I was not going to be rash and go against my values by using control to manage my own anxiety. Instead of just finishing packing I tried to fit everything in at the last minutes. By time I has done with my last meeting I was exhausted, not finished packing, and did whatever I could to not finish.

I said maybe I need to rest tonight and I'll go tomorrow morning. Tomorrow morning came I reluctantly finished putting necessary items in bags. I drove to the camp late Saturday morning and parked there. And refused to get out. I knew I could get out and everything would be fine, but I was overwhelmed by the amount of work needed to get done, recognized the toll the crisis is taking on me, thinking about what I forgot to bring and how I broke my own heart.

Earlier in the week I told my girlfriend I might cry at summer camp because I had never been (besides jesus camp where every activity was a metaphor for god's love and they forced you to commit your life to jesus in order to be saved by him on the last night's bonfire) and was envious of all the people who grew up going and had camp friends, memories, souvenirs. The freedom of being young and doing nothing in a weird place that's not someone's house. I cried when I believed myself when I said I'm not going. I can't interact with people for a whole weekend. I'm too tired and there's too much to do.

I've entered the phase of my cycle that turns me into an irritable and miserable old hag who is completely unreasonable and feels ready to curse anyone who comes near. It feels like the truest form of self-sabotage when I feel this part of me come out to play. I chose to over fill my schedule, to put off figuring out my finances, not finish packing, to take a nap, drive around, do anything but what I needed to do. I spent so much time thinking, imagining, planning, preparing for what I need more of, more wholesome and joyful experiences with new friends who want to make silly little things and talk about very real things.

I am reminded of all the times I planned for a party, a halloween costume, a trip, a class or activity and didn't show up out of embarrassment, shame, fear, perfectionism, disappointment or anger, or even more emotions and sometimes all at once. The human embodiment of doing too much to the point of doing absolutely nothing with a flourish.

I am extremely influenced by my cycle. I am a completely different person with different goals. I am grateful for the love and resonance I felt for the past two weeks and disappointed by the monthly hurdle of losing my sense of self and predicting I don't have what it takes until it comes true. I did a really good job convincing myself I did. I told many people about this new version of me that says if I speak it, I will build it and they will come.

Recognizing my limited capacity and knowing when I bit off more than I could chew. And realizing July doesn't need to be about proving myself and that "i have what it takes" it can be about slow growth, learning (yet again) what I can and cannot handle, making mistakes, speaking too soon and reinvesting in what I care about; prairies, living systems and you.

See you next week in my new form!