I have tried writing this letter almost everyday this week and have not found any words worth saying. I feel empty with the desire to read books or just drift off into the natural world, gently press the moss growing on pavement, sit and observe what is dying and what is growing.
A few weeks ago I attended a group practice hosted by Andie Whittaker's Spiral Collective. We visualized what we desire in our work and meditated while drawing a spiral. I have found myself between sessions instead of doing notes chipping away at filling this spiral with colors, textures and layers. I love losing time creating something like this instead of perpetually checking my phone, through a tangible, visual vortex versus the digital black hole profiting off my misery.
I have been working up the courage to say goodbye to the things that don't keep me well. A huge difference from not seeing the point of being well. Of seeing life as something you endure and get through versus something as precious, worth protecting. My mental state has been rough the last couple weeks. I keep noting to myself (as I've been mentioning in these letters) I don't like this way of life. Yet, I am succumbed to this existence of not being able to make decisions, complete a task, take care of myself because it is easier to just look at something else. And I hate it.
Last week I wanted to make the decision to leave meta since I had spent a week with Facebook on my phone for marketplace purposes and would check it all the time as well as on my computer. My plan was to make a goodbye post and share links to other places to be checked in on or contacted. I am afraid to ask for people's attention, to prioritize creating things I care about, and let go of things that feel like a curse. I want to know myself better without seeking external input to know how to be or what I should do.
It's funny because I know i'm not alone in this feeling of wanting be rid of devices and vices that create an escape from being with myself and its notions. I know that whatever reality this is feels like buffy's return to sunnydale in season 6. I know other people feel this way, yet there isn't rejection of a machine that's killing you and me. There isn't a departure, a reimagining of sharing information that is protective of people's time, energy and attention.
As I finish putting this letter together, I remembered Robin Wall Kimmerer's writing on moss. I listened to the essay Ancient Green and was moved by living, witnessing, experiencing, changing, remaining and passing way which is how I feel at the culmination of listening to Music, Fashion Film. I could rewrite this letter tying together my love for mary, charli, and robin.
Soft, moist, protective, they turn time into life, covering the transient and softening the transition to another state. - Robin Wall Kimmerer
I am working on this transition of creating new rituals in different spaces that patchwork what I get from social algorithmic platforms. I'll let you know when I change my life.
A couple of highlights from last week:
Listened to Ancient Green: moss, climate, and deep time
I finished Song of Achilles
I watched the Mary Oliver documentary
I love the charlixcx songs card declined, persona and no one lasts forever
