Passing Through

Issue #4

a very merry fibirthday

to me, to who? to me, oh you

Many days ago I decided to write about why I called this newsletter Passing Through. I don't entirely know how it came to me. I either heard the words in my environment or in my mind and said yes.

Later, I learned there was an old song by the same name (covered by leonard cohen) with themes of traveling terrestrially through history and that felt right to me. I perpetually have to remind myself that what I'm feeling or experiencing now is a moment in time, temporal and impermanent, that change is constant. This has helped me try things out for size, forgive versions of myself, know that I'm not here forever, and actually live. But sometimes I have a few bad days that turn into weeks that make feel inept and incapable of seeing through what once elated me.

But today (actually two days ago), I am sick. My heart physically and emotionally hurts. I feel off. I feel addicted. I feel angry and numb. I feel exhausted, willing myself to do anything. I am afraid of the air outside, the world, food, police state, fascism and people who don't care. I feel unable to care for myself and do the things I had once hoped to do. It is interesting to see my energy wane in these weekly newsletters. I remember shifts in my mood and attention when I write about it with intention of publication instead of the heedless scrawl in a notebook.

A few months ago I joined the interweb (an online community created/hosted by Amelia Hruby) and found myself challenging myself in new ways. Feeling my ideas become real and my dreams true. I feel more connected and grateful to the people I've been introduced to, but I haven't changed. I'm still running into the same old problems and haven't made the progress I aimed for. My plan was to start this newsletter, connect with people to talk about what I am trying to do and make my little club happen. As time goes by, my work(case)load has increased and trying to keep up I am losing momentum.

The past couple months I have been so fixated on momentum. Use this alignment to put into motion what has been swirling around in my head. And I'm realizing everything doesn't have to happen in July. In a years time, things will die and regenerate, and I will try again. Making a big change and asking for people to subscribe to a newsletter will have to be enough.

Yesterday I went to the art museum to see Gertrude Abercrombie's exhibit. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I went home and cleaned my bathroom and didn't go to Ambient Church because I was...yet again frustrated with my energy levels. I really like the piece Picture in a picture in a picture ***inspired by the quaker oats packaging which is a visual display of the concept of recursion or the droste effect. When the object reference a smaller version of itself, like fractals in nature.**

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*I was utterly enthralled by this video about spirals and fibonacci sequence, and how much I love learning about patterns in nature and mathematical logic that goes way over my head.
**The etymolygy of recursion is to return, in a backward movement, a running backward, a return to a similar version of oneself. All of this gave me an idea for a photo series.

Thursday (today) is my birthday. I am usually sad around my birthday, not in fear of aging but with the struggle to enjoy things like I think I should. I am now looking forward to a fibirthday.*